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Suicide Prevention

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September is National Suicide Prevention Month.

Whenever I think about suicide, what it means to me, how I feel about it, the word that always comes to mind is shame. I don’t think you can talk about suicide without talking about shame. I have been heavily immersed in Brene Brown’s research work on shame and vulnerability and the more I learn about it, the more open my eyes are to seeing it everywhere I go. Everyone I have ever known that has struggled with suicidal thoughts or gestures is shrouded in shame for one reason or another—they don’t feel good enough, worthy enough, pretty enough, smart enough, together enough…they feel too broken, undeserving of help or hope, and lost in a sea of “if only’s.”

The thing that strikes me in reading Brene Brown’s work and in applying this to my understanding of suicide, is just how preventable it is. I have always known and believed that, but understanding the role shame plays in it has shed new light on the word prevention. I think of someone who is suicidal as someone who has been walking a path of shame for weeks, months, sometimes years, all leading to feeling suicidal. The path is long and winding and with many stops along the way. Many chances for hope. Many chances for someone to reach out and offer a different path. So why? Why do we lose over 40,000 Americans to suicide each year?* Why is there a suicide attempt every 12.95 minutes?* Why are there approximately 1 MILLION suicide attempts made annually?*

Because of shame. Because of our lack of understanding of shame. Because of our fear of talking about shame.

We are infiltrated on a daily basis by messages of perfection, messages that encourage shame and discourage self discovery. We are plagued by the disease of comparing ourselves to others and constantly feeling not good enough. We think in terms of social media Likes and want to make sure we present our best looking, happiest, and most connected selves on Facebook, Instagram, and twitter. I have clients as young as 14 coming into my office completely depressed and hopeless because of something someone at school posted on Twitter, because their friends get more Likes than them, because someone made fun of their profile picture. The world has become so completely technologically connected that we have lost touch with what actual connection means. When I go to the store, or for a walk, or to get gas, I am always struck by what people are doing while they are waiting or walking or standing. They are on their phones. Not looking up. Not engaging. Not connecting to the world around them. How on earth can we be our most authentic selves if we are only putting what we think is our most “perfect” self out into the world via social media? That’s a lot of pressure. And it is incredibly lonely.

Bene Brown writes in The Gifts of Imperfection, “Our sense of worthiness—that critically important piece that gives us access to love and belonging—lives inside of our story.” Our story can be found in our imperfections and our vulnerabilities. If we don’t own our story, we flounder. We float around looking for something to grab onto to give us a sense of purpose and belonging. Without it the path of shame and not being enough becomes a path leading to hopelessness, helplessness, and feelings of not wanting to exist any more.

Suicide prevention month should be about putting down our devices and connecting with the people in our lives. Really connecting. That means sharing our stories, embracing our imperfections, and allowing the light to wash out the darkness that is shame.

If you or someone you know is struggling please call us. We can help. And you are not alone.

*Source: American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

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Self Harm as a Way of Coping with Buried Rage

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Self harm, also known as self injurious behavior, is a topic that frightens many and is not talked about enough, particularly when discussing young adults and adolescents. Self harm manifests in many ways including cutting, burning, scratching, hitting, punching, head banging, sticking objects into the skin, or even swallowing dangerous substances. Some common misconceptions about self harm are that the people who do it want to die, they are trying to get attention, or they are dangerous. While finding out someone you love is engaging in self destructive behavior can be devastating and frightening, there is hope. Self harm usually is not a suicidal gesture. Those struggling with this behavior are seeking to escape the intense emotions they are experiencing. This seems like an oxymoron to many people. Why would someone want to inflict physical pain to avoid emotional pain? The truth is that self harming behaviors actually provide a temporary sense of relief due to the endorphins that are released in the body after cutting, burning, or other self injurious behavior. When our bodies are injured the natural biological response is for the body to release chemical endorphins. This creates a feeling of calm and temporarily soothes a hurting soul. The problem is that this temporary relief does not last very long and in fact creates even more emotional pain. It doesn’t address the underlying issue.

The first response I have to someone who is engaging in self injurious behavior is to find out what feelings they are trying to escape from. It is imperative that therapeutic work is done to get to the core of what they are self soothing. What happened in the past that is so painful and emotionally scarring that the only relief comes from hurting oneself physically? Generally the answer always comes back to buried rage. We learn at an early age that anger is socially unacceptable. Anger equates to fighting, violence, pain, suffering, even death. The misconception is that anger equals action. This is entirely untrue. Anger is a feeling just like any other. Even more important is the understanding that anger is a secondary emotion. It stems from some other feeling first such as hurt, pain, vulnerability, betrayal, loss, etc. In order to understand the rage we need to look back and discover where it was born. There is too much of what I call “bandaid therapy” in treatment these days. Learning new behaviors and practicing different coping skills accompanied by self esteem boosters and thought changing cognitive work. These practices are not entirely ineffective, but they lack the long term results that one hopes to get when they seek professional support for emotional difficulties. Learning new skills is incredibly beneficial after the core issue is understood and addressed. In order to see lasting change, one has to look deep into the psyche to uncover where the damage started and then begin to unravel it and heal old wounds. The therapeutic relationship is the perfect place to start doing just that.

My approach to self harm is to first create a trusting and solid therapeutic relationship in which to build a foundation for wellness. Once this is accomplished we will begin to uncover what has been buried so that we can begin to heal old wounds. The message anyone who self harms needs to hear is that they do not deserve to suffer any more than they already have. In therapy peace and understanding can be found that eliminates the need to self soothe through self harm.

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