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Meditation: Killing of the "Self"?

June 14, 2016 By Rebecca Velasquez, LCSW

Meditation: Killing of the "Self"?

I pose that radical question to you. Meditators often see the spiritual awakening that is, in essence, the inevitable outcome of a long-term practice of meditation as the “death of the self” or the “death of the ego.” Like a caterpillar that must die before becoming a butterfly, the “ego self” of human beings must die in order to become “awakened” or “enlightened.” This process is often experienced as an unraveling of the self or a total surrender into the vast unknown.

I worked with a client deep in the throws of grief weeks after the death of her spouse; she had two small children and was working full-time to put food on the table. She wanted to learn how to meditate in the midst of her crisis. I introduced her to an exercise entailing observing her thoughts. She stated that her perpetual thought at the time was, “I want to kill myself.” For purposes of the exercise in observing her mind, I enabled her to see that the thought “I want to kill myself” (although capable of triggering the emotions of despair) was a thought just as much as “what will I have for dinner.” (It is important to note that every therapist must always take appropriate measures to keep clients safe in situations where there is a threat of harm to one’s physical self or others and to take necessary actions to ensure safety, as I did with this client).

Yet, “I want to kill myself,” is felt and often said by individuals who feel at the end of their rope, desperate, alone, cannot go a step further on this path or in this life or with the experience of certain emotions. Further, there is an experience of being “done” with the self or this life following a willingness to surrender to the vast unknown. Looking still deeper, we remember the words of various meditation gurus/teachers who have embarked on the journey of regular meditation as a result of feeling that they could not continue on the path they were on and were willing to seek an answer to the age old question, “Is there more to life than just this?” Many of the well-known enlightened gurus/teachers we read about share a similar story of hitting a wall of despair — becoming so disenchanted with their shallow existence, not knowing which door to open or knock on (or even knowing that there was a door on which to knock). Then, on the other side of that despair, a rebirth or spiritual awakening arises.

So, as it is in nature, death gives birth to something new. Perhaps it’s awakening to — or awareness of — the preciousness or true value of life in the midst of a loved one’s death. Maybe it’s the desire to kill off old patterns or ways of one’s self that are no longer working to then provide for the awakening to our most authentic selves. Perhaps it’s the shedding of relationships or friendships that no longer serve us in order to make way for new, vibrant and healthier connections with others. So, is there a part of yourself or your life that you want or need to “kill off” in order to reach your full potential as a human being? Perhaps we can invite this concept of “death of ego self” (as opposed to physical death) into our lives as a pathway to creating new beginnings in our life and doorways to a richer and more fulfilling life.

(Disclosure: The information and thoughts provided in the above article are not, in any way, to be construed as either encouragement or permission to do bodily harm of any kind to one’s self or to others. If anyone reading this article has such an urge or intent, it is imperative that he or she call 911 Emergency or 211 Mobile Crisis Hotline without delay. Short or long term psychotherapy sessions can also be a resource for individuals experiencing disturbing thought or emotions).

Filed Under: Blog, Depression, Meditation, Self Harm, Stress, Suicide Tagged With: anxiety, depression, meditation, stress, suicide

Suicide Prevention

September 16, 2015 By Katie Nash, LCSW

Suicide Prevention

September is National Suicide Prevention Month.

Whenever I think about suicide, what it means to me, how I feel about it, the word that always comes to mind is shame. I don’t think you can talk about suicide without talking about shame. I have been heavily immersed in Brene Brown’s research work on shame and vulnerability and the more I learn about it, the more open my eyes are to seeing it everywhere I go. Everyone I have ever known that has struggled with suicidal thoughts or gestures is shrouded in shame for one reason or another—they don’t feel good enough, worthy enough, pretty enough, smart enough, together enough…they feel too broken, undeserving of help or hope, and lost in a sea of “if only’s.”

The thing that strikes me in reading Brene Brown’s work and in applying this to my understanding of suicide, is just how preventable it is. I have always known and believed that, but understanding the role shame plays in it has shed new light on the word prevention. I think of someone who is suicidal as someone who has been walking a path of shame for weeks, months, sometimes years, all leading to feeling suicidal. The path is long and winding and with many stops along the way. Many chances for hope. Many chances for someone to reach out and offer a different path. So why? Why do we lose over 40,000 Americans to suicide each year?* Why is there a suicide attempt every 12.95 minutes?* Why are there approximately 1 MILLION suicide attempts made annually?*

Because of shame. Because of our lack of understanding of shame. Because of our fear of talking about shame.

We are infiltrated on a daily basis by messages of perfection, messages that encourage shame and discourage self discovery. We are plagued by the disease of comparing ourselves to others and constantly feeling not good enough. We think in terms of social media Likes and want to make sure we present our best looking, happiest, and most connected selves on Facebook, Instagram, and twitter. I have clients as young as 14 coming into my office completely depressed and hopeless because of something someone at school posted on Twitter, because their friends get more Likes than them, because someone made fun of their profile picture. The world has become so completely technologically connected that we have lost touch with what actual connection means. When I go to the store, or for a walk, or to get gas, I am always struck by what people are doing while they are waiting or walking or standing. They are on their phones. Not looking up. Not engaging. Not connecting to the world around them. How on earth can we be our most authentic selves if we are only putting what we think is our most “perfect” self out into the world via social media? That’s a lot of pressure. And it is incredibly lonely.

Bene Brown writes in The Gifts of Imperfection, “Our sense of worthiness—that critically important piece that gives us access to love and belonging—lives inside of our story.” Our story can be found in our imperfections and our vulnerabilities. If we don’t own our story, we flounder. We float around looking for something to grab onto to give us a sense of purpose and belonging. Without it the path of shame and not being enough becomes a path leading to hopelessness, helplessness, and feelings of not wanting to exist any more.

Suicide prevention month should be about putting down our devices and connecting with the people in our lives. Really connecting. That means sharing our stories, embracing our imperfections, and allowing the light to wash out the darkness that is shame.

If you or someone you know is struggling please call us. We can help. And you are not alone.

*Source: American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

Resources:

  • National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1 (800) 273-8255
  • To Write Love On Her Arms
  • “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene Brown

Filed Under: Blog, Depression, Self Harm, Suicide Tagged With: depression, self harm, suicide

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