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"Stop Crying"

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My husband had a business trip in Florida this past week and I decided to pack up my 18 month old son and myself and tag along for some sun and warm weather. I am so glad I did as it was just what we all needed as we eagerly await the real arrival of spring. Traveling back home is never as much fun as traveling to wherever you are going. We got up at 4:30am to pack up and head to the airport for our 7am flight. While my husband and I could rationalize and understand and drink coffee to cope with the feeling of being ripped from our beds and our vacation at an ungodly hour, our 18 month old couldn’t do any of those things. For the most part he was a dream and the whole travel experience seemed to be more exciting than anything else for him. But there were moments when I could see in his eyes and hear in his consistent repetition of saying “mama” over and over that he was cooked and needed to be back home surrounded by familiarity and structure.

Our flight was full of families as Florida is such a wonderful and convenient trip from the northeast. The flight was rather turbulent and I think we were all relieved to touch down at JFK and have our feet on the ground again. In making our way through the airport out to our car with all of our bags, tired, hungry, and missing the sun and palm trees, I noticed another family that had been on our flight with two kids a bit older than mine. The little girl who was probably around 5 was crying loudly, hysterically, dramatically, and without ceasing. I saw the look on her parents’ faces, they had another little boy in tow younger than she was, bags hanging from each shoulder, a look of sheer exhaustion on their faces that I am sure mirrored ours. And then the father stopped them, looked his daughter in the face, and screamed loudly “stop crying, stop crying, STOP CRYING!” Which in turn, and without surprise, made her cry even harder, to which he rolled his eyes and they continued making their way through the airport. For a moment I could relate to every single member of that family. I could relate to the little girl that was crying, tired from traveling, probably hungry, sick of walking and carrying her small backpack full of treasures. I could relate to the mother carrying the little boy, her arms aching from the weight of everything she had been lugging around since before dawn that morning. And I could relate to the father screaming at his daughter, desperate for some quiet, to be done traveling, and to have the crying JUST STOP.

Being a parent takes more self restraint than any job I have ever had. It pushes me through a maze of emotions on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. In the midst of the most ethereal joy I have ever known there are also moments of complete frustration where I question myself and life and everything in between. As a therapist and a person who has overcome my own personal battles throughout life I am keenly aware of the toll that emotional neglect has on a person’s life and psyche. I am more aware of this in the moments where my son is literally hanging from my leg as I try to make dinner, go to the bathroom, or fold laundry, than I am of my frustration. There are far too many people in this world who were told at a small and most impressionable age to “stop crying”, sending the message that feelings are not ok unless they are acceptable and comfortable. So they learn to stuff their sadness, their disappointment, their hurt, their anger, and their fear. They stuff it and it festers and grows and becomes a lump that never goes away. It manifests as headaches, stomachaches, dry skin, insomnia, depression, anxiety, insecurity. How is one supposed to shut off the negative feelings that are a part of being human? The only way to do it is to also shut off the positive ones. So people numb. They numb instead of communicating, instead of feeling, instead of embracing the dark along with the light. They end up living half a life.

But there is another option, especially as parents. We can teach our children it is ok to have all of their feelings. That doesn’t mean giving them exactly what they want when they cry, it doesn’t mean catering to their every disappointment and whimper to ease their discomfort. It means sitting with them in their discomfort and allowing them to feel their feelings. It means normalizing their experience and teaching them that it is ok to cry. This is true and equally as important in adulthood as it is in childhood. We must give one another permission and space to feel, even when it is uncomfortable.

My toddler has temper tantrums, just like any other, and what I always choose to do is to sit with him in it, wait it out, and make sure he hears me calmly say I am here and ready to comfort him when he wants it. Eventually he stops crying and crawls into my lap, exhausted from the surge of feelings he has just experienced and knowing he is not alone. It’s what we all need sometimes. In the darkness when the world feels cold and lonely, we need to know we aren’t alone and our feelings are our road back to the light.

Top 10 Reasons To Jump Into Psychotherapy

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Psychotherapists can help people of all different ages and lifestyles live happier, healthier and more productive lives.

1) Better Communication. We need to learn how to communicate better. Period. Regardless of whether or not you grew up in a healthy family with excellent communication skills or not, we can all benefit from learning better communication skills.

2) Stress/Anxiety/Depression Relief. Psychotherapy sessions provide an opportunity for individuals to be able to discuss the causes of the stress, anxiety and/or depression in their life as well as gain valuable tools from a professional.

3) Objectivity. Psychotherapy provides a supportive environment that enables one to discuss his/her issues openly with someone who is objective, neutral and nonjudgmental.

4) Chronic Pain Relief. According to the study of bioenergetics, we humans hold emotions, trauma and stress in our bodies. Through the use of psychotherapy to relieve stress and anxiety, clients can experience a reduction or complete eradication of their pain symptoms.

5) Self Care. Through the work of psychotherapy, clients can begin to see ways to take better care of themselves emotionally, mentally, and physically that will result in more balance in their lives.

6) Combat Self-Defeating Thought Patterns. Psychotherapists help clients peel back the layers of the client’s inner self, while helping him or her identify and replace negative thought patterns that stand in the way of their living happier, more satisfying lives.

7) Healthier Marriages/Relationships. Even the most united couples sometimes need assistance to maintain healthy communication with each other. Psychotherapists can work to help couples identify and move beyond roadblocks through various methods to enable them to love and respect each other more fully and find more fulfillment in their relationship/marriage.

8) Happier Families. We all just want to get along! But sometimes family dynamics can be challenging and too difficult to overcome “in house”. Psychotherapists are trained to help family members identify and learn how to meet and respect their own needs and the needs of family members in order to create a more loving family environment.

9) Parenting/Discipline Issues. Psychotherapists can work with parents to help them to create healthy boundaries with their children and work through other challenges of parenting, offering tools to help foster better parenting skills and hence healthier and more satisfying parent/child relationships.

10) Joy! Once a client begins to believe and trust in the therapeutic relationship, he/she can have confidence that they will work toward successful issue resolution that will also serve as a model for other healthy relationships. Once clients can truly engage in this process, they begin to recover the child-like joy for life within themselves that was always part of them. Often this joy is buried under stress, trauma, worry and the inability to provide a release through beneficial communication with another person.

Suicide Prevention

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September is National Suicide Prevention Month.

Whenever I think about suicide, what it means to me, how I feel about it, the word that always comes to mind is shame. I don’t think you can talk about suicide without talking about shame. I have been heavily immersed in Brene Brown’s research work on shame and vulnerability and the more I learn about it, the more open my eyes are to seeing it everywhere I go. Everyone I have ever known that has struggled with suicidal thoughts or gestures is shrouded in shame for one reason or another—they don’t feel good enough, worthy enough, pretty enough, smart enough, together enough…they feel too broken, undeserving of help or hope, and lost in a sea of “if only’s.”

The thing that strikes me in reading Brene Brown’s work and in applying this to my understanding of suicide, is just how preventable it is. I have always known and believed that, but understanding the role shame plays in it has shed new light on the word prevention. I think of someone who is suicidal as someone who has been walking a path of shame for weeks, months, sometimes years, all leading to feeling suicidal. The path is long and winding and with many stops along the way. Many chances for hope. Many chances for someone to reach out and offer a different path. So why? Why do we lose over 40,000 Americans to suicide each year?* Why is there a suicide attempt every 12.95 minutes?* Why are there approximately 1 MILLION suicide attempts made annually?*

Because of shame. Because of our lack of understanding of shame. Because of our fear of talking about shame.

We are infiltrated on a daily basis by messages of perfection, messages that encourage shame and discourage self discovery. We are plagued by the disease of comparing ourselves to others and constantly feeling not good enough. We think in terms of social media Likes and want to make sure we present our best looking, happiest, and most connected selves on Facebook, Instagram, and twitter. I have clients as young as 14 coming into my office completely depressed and hopeless because of something someone at school posted on Twitter, because their friends get more Likes than them, because someone made fun of their profile picture. The world has become so completely technologically connected that we have lost touch with what actual connection means. When I go to the store, or for a walk, or to get gas, I am always struck by what people are doing while they are waiting or walking or standing. They are on their phones. Not looking up. Not engaging. Not connecting to the world around them. How on earth can we be our most authentic selves if we are only putting what we think is our most “perfect” self out into the world via social media? That’s a lot of pressure. And it is incredibly lonely.

Bene Brown writes in The Gifts of Imperfection, “Our sense of worthiness—that critically important piece that gives us access to love and belonging—lives inside of our story.” Our story can be found in our imperfections and our vulnerabilities. If we don’t own our story, we flounder. We float around looking for something to grab onto to give us a sense of purpose and belonging. Without it the path of shame and not being enough becomes a path leading to hopelessness, helplessness, and feelings of not wanting to exist any more.

Suicide prevention month should be about putting down our devices and connecting with the people in our lives. Really connecting. That means sharing our stories, embracing our imperfections, and allowing the light to wash out the darkness that is shame.

If you or someone you know is struggling please call us. We can help. And you are not alone.

*Source: American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

Resources:

Depression and Mutual Need

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“We are all in this together and there is no therapist and no person immune to the inherent tragedies of existence”.

I read this passage from Irvin Yalom’s Book titled The Gift of Therapy and it touched something within me deeply. It was the reason I began my career in social work. The reason was to reach people, to join together to help create change and to help ease some of the burden that lies in being human. A passion was ignited within me at a young age to reach people in all walks of life and to do so in a meaningful and honest way. The truth about being a therapist is that it is not selfless work. There is little in this world that is. Being a therapist is a calling and therefore fills a deep need within those of us who do the work each day. It fills a need to connect and a need to help facilitate change. Just as joy and laughter are a beautiful part of life, so is suffering. Most of us need support on our journey to figuring out what to do with that suffering. I am not immune to that suffering, in fact it is because I have been touched by it that I am where I am today and am able to do the work that I do. The things I am reading in the news every day, the stories I am hearing from people in my community, all speak to the fact that while the dialogue about mental health is catching, it needs constant fuel to ensure that it doesn’t burn out. It is this dialogue that will save lives if we keep it going. But we must keep it going.

Someone asked me the other day if depression is for life. “Is it like addiction? Once you have it, you have it forever?” Depression is often at the forefront of our discussions regarding mental health. The reason is clear: it is so prevalent and relevant. While this is encouraging in that it means the dialogue is opening up surrounding the subject, it is often not being used correctly which is problematic for those suffering from depression. “I’m depressed. It’s just who I am.” Believe it or not I have heard this more than once. My question is always, “what does that mean to you, what is depression to you?” It is shocking how frequently the response is: “I’m not sure”. The word has become a catch all for things not going well in our lives. When this is tied to the stigma that is still woven throughout our society surrounding depression, it creates even more unrest in someone believing themselves to be depressed. The belief is I am depressed therefore I am broken. I can instantly feel the hope drain from the person sitting in front of me as they share this with me. But depression, like all mental health issues, is far from hopeless. Being broken is part of being human, we are born broken and it isn’t until death that we become free from the brokenness. Feeling sad is not depression. We all feel sad sometimes. It is one of our most natural and human emotions. Depression goes deeper than sadness. Depression resides in ones mind and heart like a beast, robbing the world of beauty, light, joy, and hope. The less we talk about it, the greater it grows, the longer it lingers, the more painful it becomes.

Jamie Tworkowski writes in his book If You Feel Too Much, “We all have our past. We all have our pain. We will all know ghosts from time to time. But if our life is like a building, then we should open our doors to let some people see inside. Into our darkest places, into those rooms that hold our fears and dreams.” Depression whispers to stay silent, to stifle your story, to not ask for help. The courage comes in doing the opposite. When I am asked what I do and the type of people I see, my initial reaction is to always respond by saying, “I see people like you. And I listen to their stories.” I am a therapist, but first and foremost I am also a human with my own story and my own pain and my own places that are broken. In the beginning I thought that made me less worthy of helping, listening, supporting, but I know now it actually makes me more capable. Living honestly is one of the greatest challenges we are faced with on a daily basis. We ignore our pain, we push away our discomfort, we hide from depression and anxiety and feelings of insecurity. It is when we step into the light, when we honor the broken parts of ourselves as much as the strong parts, that we become whole. Only then are we able to find true connection, true healing, and true peace.

Mutual need is a concept that rings true not only in my work as a therapist but also in my work as a human. It is when we free ourselves from the fear of being in pain, the fear of being broken, the fear of facing our demons, that we begin to see clearly. We are all in pain at some point in our lives. If we join together in that, the pain lessens, the burden lightens, and the darkness wanes.

The Importance of Validation in Relationships

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I remember when I was a teenager how frequently I felt misunderstood. It was a time in life filled with emotions and unknowns and I was bursting at the seams to “figure it all out”. Looking back I see clearly now that what I was really looking for was just to be understood, to have someone listen to me and say, “I hear what you are saying”. So many of us get stuck emotionally at different times in life and it is easy to revert back to a young place and a young feeling of wanting to be heard and needing to be understood. How many times have you talked to a friend, acquaintance, or family member and had them offer advice or had them tell you their story in response to yours? It can leave you feeling angry and even more confused than when you started out. The reason being, you weren’t looking for a solution. Most of us understand that it is up to us to solve our problems. What we are looking for in connection, in relationships, in life, is just to have someone listen and validate what we are feeling.

This holds true in therapy as it does in the rest of our intimate relationships. People come to me to share their story . Whether these stories are heartbreaking, tragic, pathological, or just about a bad day, it is not up to me to place judgment on them. It is up to me to not only hear the story but hear the emotion behind the story. What most of my patients are looking for, whether it be because they have been starved of it their entire lives, or because they just need to hear it coming from an unbiased and professional perspective, is validation. I see you. I hear you. I understand the difficulty of the emotions you are experiencing right now.

I was eating dinner at a restaurant the other night with my husband. In the midst of our dinner I couldn’t help but overhear the conversation two women eating near us were having. One said to the other “I just don’t understand why she wouldn’t just end it, it’s ridiculous. All she does is complain about him but she doesn’t do anything to change it!” My interpretation of this is that one of these women’s friends is in an unhealthy relationship that she talks about often to her girlfriends yet she does nothing to change her situation. This story sounds familiar to so many of us. The question can always be asked in a situation like this: is that friend talking to her girlfriends about her relationship for them to change it or just to have them hear what she is saying and to hear what she is feeling? The latter is always true. Understanding that we as humans need to be emotionally validated comes with another important lesson, we all have stages of motivation to change that we go through. This unknown woman in the unhealthy relationship that just “won’t end it” is clearly not ready to end it. I don’t know this woman, I don’t know the relationship, but I can guarantee this is the case. She is emotionally stuck. While it is easy for an outsider to judge this and look at her as being “crazy” for not ending it, if we validate her feelings and understand she isn’t ready to end it yet, we might provide her with exactly what she is looking for.

Change is uncomfortable and can be painful and challenging. We cannot expect people to change overnight, and we cannot expect it to be easy. Often times change pertaining to difficult emotional relationships and situations in life means untangling patterns and behaviors that have been present for ones’ entire life. That takes time, patience, motivation, and professional help. When your car needs a repair to run properly you don’t think twice in taking it to an auto mechanic. The same should be true when you need an emotional tuneup. None of us are free from the need for help every once in a while in getting unstuck.

The next time someone you love is talking to you, practice active listening and validation. Active listening means not only hearing the words the person is saying but also recognizing the feelings that come with those words. When they are finished, fight the urge to give them advice or to relate what they have said to something you have been through. Validate what they are saying, allow them the space to be supported by your understanding, and then if you feel you have something to offer–ask if they are open to hearing it before you speak. If you practice this in your relationships I promise they will become richer. And while you will be giving more, you will also end up getting much, much more.

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